# I leant a lot about relationship from this article. Only God can fullfil our emptyness in our life. :D
One guy gives honest relationship advice about sex
and dating.
By
Anonymous
There's a saying that goes,
"The best plan is to profit by the folly of others." That's what this
article is about. I want to share with you a few things I've learned -- the
hard way -- concerning girls and relationships. Specifically, I've jotted down
ten reasons why I'm now waiting until marriage to have sex.
Dating Advice #1:
I now know that sex isn't all it's cracked up to be.
When I
was in college, I remember having an experience that I referred to as a
"love hangover." After being with a girl, the next morning I always
felt an emptiness. That's something you won't see on TV or in the movies, but
it happens a lot. There was emptiness, even regret, afterwards.
The
"love hangover" was a strange occurrence for me. Mainly because when
I was in college, sex was my "god." As a male, it's what I thought
about morning, noon and night. So you would imagine that having sex would have
been completely fulfilling -- the crowning achievement in the worship of my
"god." And yet, there was often a lack of fulfillment afterwards.
Has that
been your experience, too? Have you ever had a "love hangover"? If
you have, you should stop and consider, "Why is that? Why is it that sex,
if it's so important to me, leaves me with an empty feeling?"
I
remember being confused by this emptiness. I then concluded: "I just need
more [sex], that's all." (We often think this way about stuff we hope will
fulfill us, then doesn't. For example, we get the car we've always wanted, but
then it's just "okay" after awhile. Instead of realizing that a car
can't really satisfy us, we usually make the error of thinking, "Well, I
guess that wasn't the right car. A different one will give me
lasting fulfillment.")
But the
emptiness continued. So, finally, I came to the conclusion that premarital sex
wasn't all it's cracked up to be. It gets too much hype. It's not what the
movies make it out to be. If it were, it would be completely fulfilling. There
wouldn't be any "emptiness."
Dating Advice #2:
I now want to be more honorable toward women.
I've
found that girls often don't fully understand what's going on when it comes to
sex. That is, their perspective on the whole thing is very different from a
guy's. Often a girl will justify sex by saying, "But I love him,"
even if she doesn't really want to go through with it. Why does that happen?
It's been said that, "Girls use sex to get love; guys use love to get
sex."
This is
how it works: the girl is picturing marrying the guy some day; the guy is
picturing everything he wants to do with the girl before he goes back to tell
his buddies about it. And while something inside her is telling her it's the
right thing to do, something inside the guy is telling him just the opposite, yet
he proceeds. Why? For the physical pleasure no doubt, but also, I think, for
another reason: it makes him feel like a man. But there is a great irony in
that, for what is manly about deceiving a woman?
Something
I've discovered is that, when you honor a woman, you are honoring yourself.
Why? Because someday you will have regret, and the regret will last much longer
than the pleasure. In the movie Rob Roy, the main character says,
"Honor is a gift a man gives himself." When you honor a woman by
doing what you know to be right in your heart (that is, what's in her best
interest), you honor yourself and insure that you will have no long-lasting
regrets to live with.
Dating Advice #3:
That's somebody else's wife.
Here's
what I mean: most of the girls I've been with are now married to other men.
When I put myself in the shoes of those men, I wish that I hadn't done what
I've done. In fact, I might even like to punch myself in the nose for it.
And so it
goes without saying that when I get married, I'm not going to like the idea
that someone else has had his way with my wife. What about you? Do you like the
idea of someone else being with your wife? If you have a girlfriend now and
feel that way, think of how much stronger that feeling will be with your wife
someday.
You can
even take it a step further. That girl is someone's daughter. What if she were
my daughter? Or what if she were my sister? Would I want some guy like me
taking advantage of her? I now see girls from a different perspective. They're
someone else's future wife, someone else's daughter, sister, etc.
Dating Advice #4:
Sex has killed my best relationships.
For
example, I had a college sweetheart, the girl of my dreams. With her, there was
never a dull moment. We totally "clicked." We waited for awhile,
then, through my initiation, we started having sex.
Sex soon
became the focus of our relationship. I stopped wanting to get to know her on
any other level. And so, instead of growing closer together, we actually
started drifting apart. That's what I mean by "sex killed my best
relationships." People can relate on many different levels -- emotionally,
mentally, physically, spiritually. But when my girlfriend and I started
relating mostly physically, it short-circuited the other parts of our
relationship. As a result, the relationship as a whole started to go south. We
might still be together today if we (I) had waited.
I've seen
this happen with countless relationships, not just others of my own, but those
of many other people. And I think there's a reason for this, which I'll explain
next.
Dating Advice #5:
Sex before marriage ruins the other parts of the relationship.
For me,
two things happened once I had sex with a girl. As I look back on it, I can say
that they happened literally every time, although I was unaware of these
dynamics at the time. The two things were this: 1) I lost respect for the girl
(even though I didn't want to); and 2) she began to mistrust me (even though
she didn't want to).
I don't
know why this happened, I just know that it did. Maybe it's just built into
"the system." But one thing's for sure: I'm not alone. I've seen it
happen over and over again. I know many people having marital problems because
they engaged in premarital sex. They go into the marriage with lack of respect
and lack of trust, two absolute necessities for the health of any marriage.
I know a
newlywed couple who have sex less than once a month because of this -- he
doesn't respect her, she knows it, and she doesn't trust him, so she doesn't
want to give herself to him. It's very sad, and more common than you might
think. But nobody talks about this kind of thing in public. And the movie and
TV portrayals of couples having sex before marriage never present it either.
It's like no one wants to acknowledge that it's happening, even though it is.
Dating Advice #6:
Waiting to have sex with my wife will mean better sex in my marriage.
Why?
Because we'll go into the marriage with me having more respect for her and her
having more trust in me. One thing I've learned: if a girl doesn't trust a guy,
she doesn't want to give herself wholly to him. Deep down, she doesn't really
enjoy being with him.
This is
how it works. Since "girls use sex to get love, and guys use love to get
sex," a couple will have sex before marriage. The girl does this to hold
on to the relationship. The guy does it because he wants it even more than the
relationship itself. Then, after the marriage, the woman has what she wants: a
commitment from the man. So she doesn't need to use sex to get him anymore.
And, because she may be harboring resentment because he had sex with her before
they were married, she is now not interested in sex. And the guy -- who doesn't
treasure his wife because of the sex before marriage -- still wants sex but not
as a total bonding experience with his wife. It's just sex, which she figures
out. So, there is a lousy sex life in the marriage.
I'm not
making this stuff up. Now that I'm out of college and many people around me are
getting married, I'm seeing it happen all the time. The antidote: waiting for
marriage to have sex will give the man a greater respect for his wife and the
woman a greater respect for her husband. And consequently they'll have better
and more frequent sex because they respect each other more and love each other
more deeply.
Dating Advice #7:
Not having sex with other women will mean better sex in my marriage.
Sex is a
mysterious thing that causes a deep bond between people, even if we call it
"casual." The problem is this: the more I bond with other girls, the
less I'll be able to bond with my future wife. It's like a piece of scotch tape
-- the more you use it on different surfaces, the less it sticks to things.
After awhile, it won't stick to anything.
If I bond
with other girls before I get married, I won't be able to bond as well with my
wife someday. I won't cherish her as much as I could have, and consequently I
won't love her as much as I could have. Each day that passes that I've remained
faithful to my future wife means that my relationship with her will be better.
It's a
funny thing: our culture decries adultery, yet it freely condones premarital
sex, even with multiple partners. That's ironic. Because, if you take the
element of time out of the equation, premarital sex is adultery.
We can imagine how adultery would greatly injure a marriage relationship, maybe
premarital sex actually has nearly the same result. It injures the potential
bond between a man and a woman.
Dating Advice #8:
I don't have to sleep with a woman to know if we're "sexually
compatible."
Sex is
meant to complement a relationship, not be the most important aspect of it.
That's what I've found out. It's supposed to be the icing on the cake when all
the other aspects of your relationship are working well. I've come to
understand that the sex will be good if the rest of the relationship is good.
That's why I know I don't have to sleep with my wife to find out if we're
sexually compatible. If we get along in every other area, the sex will be fine.
Something
else needs to be said here. Another thing I think I've "discovered"
is this: when you place sex as the determining factor of the relationship, it
will probably result in poor sex. Think about it. If you put your sexual
relationship under a microscope, always judging it and judging the relationship
by it, it's doomed to fail. It's like being in prison. You're locked in to
something that is supposed to be freeing, not incapacitating.
But, when
you focus on the other parts of the relationship, and the sex isn't the focus,
then you're freed up to have a more enjoyable sex life, with no pressure of
having to make it always spectacular. (Because it won't be.) And yet, I don't
think that as a college-age adult I was capable of not focusing on sex,
that is, unless it wasn't present at all. That's why I think it's best to wait
altogether.
Dating Advice #9:
I have found something more satisfying than sex.
I know
what you're thinking: "Yeh, right." But it's true. And in fact, in a
way sex helped me to discover the something that outdoes it. And that something
is not really a something, it's a someone. It's God.
Just hear
me out on this one, I know it sounds far-fetched, but the whole thing makes
sense. God has created us in such a way that we can't be ultimately satisfied
by anything except Him. He built that into the human system, and into each one
of our individual systems. As one man put it, "Inside every person is a
God-shaped vacuum that only God can fill."
That's
why we see people change careers, mates, fashions, and more -- because in our
search for ultimate fulfillment, we get frustrated with the things (and
people) that have not achieved it for us. So we discard them and move on to
something (or someone) else, hoping that in them we will find the kind of
fulfillment we are all really looking for. But the problem is, we never find it
unless we come to God for it, because only He can provide it.
God loves
us too much to see us truly satisfied by anything other than Himself. He wants
the best for us, and that means Himself. Nothing or no one is more important
than God. I know that's true because I found it out for myself. The emptiness I
had -- after buying this and buying that, after sexual escapades, after all my
efforts to be fulfilled in life -- the emptiness came to an end when I asked
God into my life. More specifically, when I asked Jesus Christ into my life.
Jesus Christ said, "He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who
believes in me will never be thirsty" (John 6:35). Those words came true
in my life. When I entered into a relationship with God, the God-shaped vacuum
inside me was finally filled. I didn't feel empty anymore. Consequently,
knowing God has given me a deeper satisfaction than sex ever did.
Dating Advice #10:
God has given me the strength to wait.
It's been
years since I've had sex. I wish I could say that I totally waited for
marriage, but I can't. I do have regrets (and, as I said before, they have
lasted much longer than any momentary pleasures). I have regrets about the way
I've treated girls. I have concerns about the stability of my future marriage
(if and when I get married). But God has helped me to deal with my past acts
and with my concerns for the future. He is in the process of changing me, and
has changed me a lot already.
Also, God
has given me the ability to wait for marriage to have sex again. Sure, it's
been a struggle at times, but God has been big enough to get me through it. All
things are possible with Him. And each day, week, year that goes by, I know
I'll have a better and stronger marriage someday because I've waited. Too, I
have a stronger relationship with God, today, as a result of depending on Him
in this vital area of my life as a man.
Where to Start
If you
want to be successful in relationships someday -- as a husband and a father --
the best place to start is with yourself. The trick is not in finding the right
wife, or having the right children. The key is to start with you. And the most
important relationship you can have -- one that will make you a better husband
and father -- is a relationship with God.
God is
the author of sex, love and relationships in general. He created these things
for us to enjoy. And we can enjoy them fully if we follow His design for them.
I've come to discover that God is not a "moralizer." He doesn't say,
"Do this" or "Don't do this" for no reason. When He says,
"Don't do this" (for example, wait for marriage to have sex), He's
not saying that to show me who's boss, He's saying it because it's in my best
interest. He's saying it because He knows how He's built me as a man, what is
best for me, and what will bring me the most fulfillment.
Knowing God Personally
The Bible
says that Jesus Christ was God who became man -- "The Word became flesh
and made His dwelling among us." He was "the exact representation of
His [God's] being." In short, Jesus Christ revealed exactly what God is
like. So how do we begin a relationship with Him?
God has a
genuine love for us and wants us to know Him...but there is a problem. Currently,
what stands in the way of us connecting with God is our sin (our failure to
love God and others perfectly).
So Jesus
Christ ("God in the flesh") took all of our sin on His shoulders
while He willingly died on a cross. He did this so we could be completely
forgiven, completely acceptable to Him. He made the great sacrifice of being
beaten, humiliated, whipped and crucified on our behalf. Then, after three
days, He rose from the dead. He now asks us to respond to His sacrifice by
inviting Him into our lives.
Jesus
Christ was the most masculine man who ever lived. People don't often give Him
much credit for that, but it's true. So, when you ask Him to come into your
life, you are asking the one Person who knows more about being a man than any
other man. He will help you to become a real man -- not the Hollywood version
-- but someone far more fulfilled in life and far more valuable to the lives of
others.
What does
that real man look like? He doesn't look like a wolf (someone who looks out
only for himself). Instead, he looks more like a shepherd -- someone who looks
out for the well-being of others. As you grow in your relationship with Christ,
you will discover more and more what it means to be a real man. And Christ will
change the way you think about women and consequently the way you treat them.
You can
begin a relationship with Christ that lasts forever. "For God so loved the
world that He gave His one and only Son, that those who believe in Him shall
not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16). Belief means trust. When
you trust or rely on Christ's sacrifice on your behalf, you can receive eternal
life -- a relationship with God that begins now, that you maintain for the rest
of your life. If this is now the desire of your heart, the following is a
guideline for the kinds of things you might want to say to God in sincerity:
Dear God,
I confess that I have sinned against You. Thank You for taking all of my sin
upon Yourself on the cross. I want to receive Your forgiveness. I want to enter
into a relationship with You. I ask You to come into my life as my Savior and
Lord. Please make me into the man You want me to be.
To gain
helpful dating advice and to grow in your knowledge of God, read the sections
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John in the Bible.
